we shouldn't share the pink pony club with children

I am an absolute crow for some good gossip. My favourite carcasses are those I’m led to by people who know my name at least as well as I knew theirs, but sometimes a dry spell comes along where the kettle just wasn’t put on and I have to buy the tea from the shops. Imagine my delight when I’m browsing the tea aisle after midnight and see that my favourite artist’s favourite artist is right on the sale banner again. Delectably I pick up the box and take a whiff, the overwhelming cascade of opinions hits my nose, delicious. Straight into the basket to take it hot to go.

For the chronically offline, Chappell Roan was at a hotel with her security and an eleven year old girl, who is related to both Jude Law and Jorginho, allegedly walked somewhere near her to see if it was, indeed, her favourite artist. The kid goes back to her breakfast table and then a security guard comes and screams at said kid and her mother just enjoying the morning’s coffee. The stepfather, Jorginho, tweets about it or something and everyone hates Chappell Roan and the mayor of Rio de Janeiro gives her a casual ban her from some concert. There was a kaleidoscope of responses and clarifications and further accusations and everyone wrote about it, has an opinion, and is taking sides. Excellent, we are all caught up and I, too, have a side.

Chappell Roan, I want to stare deep into your super graphic ultra modern girl eyes and give you a hearty, “good fucking job”. Don’t deny this! Do not let the hate get to you, diva! Get that fucking child out of your way and send a god damn message to any other children thinking they can check your shit out. I loathe that children are just fucking everywhere, and any efforts to bully them into staying home are admirable in my book.

I haven’t been around all that long compared to some older folks, but since I’ve been waddling around after my midnight birth I’ve noticed a trend towards, what I call, the “childification” of the world. Libraries have to remove “adult” books. Schools have to teach “age appropriate lessons.” Art has to be labelled as explicit for the sake of children. This performative “but think of the children” bullshit irks me, not only because of my disdain for children, but because of the reality of how far protecting children actually goes. Donald Trump, current president of the United States, is a certified pedophile. I.C.E. has faced no punishments for abducting, raping, and murdering children. Politicians will ban a book with a lesbian, but not ban a gun that slaughtered countless children in a school. Provided a child goes hungry, homeless, uneducated, raped, lost, abducted, abused, unloved, then the government has no right to tell me that I should be fine with the world becoming more “safe for children.” Drag queens belong in libraries, queers belong in schools, and guns should be trained on “elected” officials.

I’m unsure if this de jure legislation is what has influenced parents to evolve into insufferable fucks, but it sure wouldn’t surprise me. I find more and more often that people make their after midnight mistakes my problem. Bars, serving only booze, famously an adult beverage, have children sprinting and screaming everywhere while their parents try to ignore them over drinks. Theatres are inundated with the screaming flesh of folks’ loins even if the R on the poster promised me an environment free of said bullshit. A child-free wedding I attended had to have a dedicated child guard in the likely (and proven inevitable) case that guests brought their child.

Chappell Roan apologised and the security guard in question came out saying he had no affiliation with her. Whatever. People wonder why Chappell would treat a young fan in such a way and proclaim that she should appreciate her fans and treasure the younger ones. A version of this essay in my head cast doubt upon the wisdom of allowing a child to listen to Chappell Roan given the subject matter of much of her music. But I fundamentally don’t believe in censorship of the kind, even when Chappell is singing about vehicular cunnilingus. Heaven knows I got into media way above my age range when I was a child and all it did was make me blind. But that doesn’t mean Chappell Roan has any obligation to honour her young fans. She writes music, people listen to the music, the contract ends. Chappell owes no one anything else, even if that makes her an asshole. A child running up to my table to confirm the identity of someone who is probably exceptionally busy is, in my pretentious opinion, a valid avenue for a crash out. It’s weird as fuck behaviour, from anyone, and what we’ve done is tell this child that it is not only okay, but encouraged for her to trample on potential boundaries that people are allowed to maintain about their being.

Was the alleged screaming and insulting necessary? Yes. Send a message. Her kink is karma and lord knows we need more people willing to engage their own karma.

Children do deserve a place in society though. I am not so full of disdain to suggest otherwise, and mixed settings are important for early developed and socialisation, so I’m told. Great! We can maintain those and create those and honour those for what they are, but we should not convert spaces that are for adults into spaces where children can rampage around. Space that are for everyone need to remain for everyone. A library needs to have an adult section and books that can potentially make certain parents uncomfortable. Adults use drugs and go for drinks and have consensual sex with their chosen peers, we should not stomp on those activities in the name of childhood protection. Parents need to parent and not make everyone else suffer because they decided to regret the child far too late to do anything about it.